Writer Oscar Wilde's partner, Lord Alfred Douglas, once described gay relationships as "the love that dare not speak its name." Today's debate over gay marriages, gay bishops, and the landmark U.S. Supreme Court decision abolishing sodomy laws marks a significant change in society's thinking since their 19th-century love affair.

That change surfaced on Long Island last week with Nassau County and the Civil Service Employees Association's decision to extend health and other benefits to unmarried couples. Straight or gay, any of the 5,800 county workers under the contract can get coverage for a partner provided that they are in a "committed relationship of lasting duration."

The fact that the benefit not only passed the Nassau legislature but that it passed without too much rancor is a significant victory for gays and lesbians on Long Island. The legislature in Suffolk has defeated a similar measure several times in the past, and none of Long Island's towns or cities offers such a benefit. Although Nassau's new contract may not be as comprehensive as the gay and lesbian community would like, at least the county has passed something. That kind of achievement can help to lead to progress on a national level.

The Nassau legislators who voted along party lines in favor of the contract demonstrated their courage in the face of some intense anti-gay rhetoric. Fearing that the next step will lead to legalizing marriage among homosexuals, one local Conservative Party official who is also a high-ranking county commissioner said prior to the Aug. 15 vote: "I think the next step ... would be legalizing all types of activity." He went on to suggest that this could be "sexual activity between adults and children."

The fact that the legislature went ahead and voted for the contract anyway, quietly and without protest, follows a pattern. Over the decades, social acceptance of gays and lesbians has developed in direct proportion to the degree to which we have fought off those who oppose equality.

In the gay rights movement of the '60s and '70s, we began to change public attitudes and raise awareness. Street demonstrations and other forms of activism were necessary tactics to convey the message to straight America that we were not going to tolerate any more abuse by bigots. In the '80s and '90s, even as AIDS ravaged the community, we progressed by obtaining protections from unjust firings in the workplace, abuse in the media and scapegoating in the public arena. It was AIDS demonstrations, visibility in the media, and negotiation that ended the denial of the real extent and scope of the disease. In this decade, thanks in large part to Bill Clinton's leadership, most gay Americans feel that we are truly a part of this nation and have a right to a share in it.

If Nassau County's adoption of the benefits comes from a belief that America is a nation built upon tolerance, then it is also recognition that a diverse workforce comprised of openly gay and lesbian couples has altered the needs of employees and employers. But even if the measure was passed as a political ploy, where politicians were banking that not too many workers would officially come out to claim their benefits, the county is at least catching up with social changes that have been in place for a while.

The denial of benefits to lesbian and gay couples is part of a shameful past. Less than 20 years ago, I can remember being called a "fag" in public. During the Reagan era, it was acceptable to spend a night out in Manhattan beating up "sissies" and to blackmail people because of their sexual orientation.

At last, Americans are beginning to show the same kind of tolerance and acceptance of gay people as equal citizens as they had begun to do in accepting African-Americans during the civil rights movement of the 1950s. The mainstream is starting to realize that gay people pay taxes, work for a living, own property and share in the social contract as workers, employers, teachers and professionals.

But while changing their personal attitudes and behaviors toward gay people, many are also very resistant to the idea of "gay marriage." Last week's Associated Press Poll showed that 52 percent favor a law banning gay marriages and 53 percent oppose civil unions. Part of the problem created by such polls is the linking of the words "gay" and "marriage" - a fear that the institution of matrimony is in a vulnerable state.

Opponents on the right, be they religious or political, use the argument that granting civil equality will offer tacit approval of homosexual "behavior." But now that the Supreme Court has said that gays are protected by the U.S. Constitution, by what authority does the religious right act to oppose this? Soon, private sexual behavior will no longer be grist for a debate about public morality.

Many on the right also fear a day when two men or two women will shamelessly walk into government offices in Nassau County and elsewhere to obtain a marriage license. We are asked to believe that on that day all heterosexuals will become so demoralized that the institution of marriage itself will collapse and civilization as we know it will end.

But here we come back to the knee-jerk response when the words gay and marriage are linked in what most Americans consider a religious institution when the separation of church and state allows both civil ceremonies as well as contrary religious beliefs.

Maybe the problem is that we're not doing a good enough job convincing others, as we have spoken out and pushed for change in the past. We have to help the general public understand that recognizing gay and straight employees have similar needs encourages a happier and more prosperous workplace.

But Nassau County's new contract will definitely help change minds, too. It seems likely, for instance, that Suffolk will lose some of its workforce until it changes its resistant policy. The towns and cities will follow. And when progress takes place on a local level, it will force change on a national level as laws come to reflect the people's needs more closely.